Since when did I become so Happy-Phobic? It’s been such a weird journey these last couple of months. I’ve been reading and re-reading, listening to videos, reading blogs, believe me if it’s had a self help title to it I’ve read it and to be fair they all pretty much say the same thing. Be happy. Get Happy. Follow your joy. Find your bliss. There’s a billion and one exercises on how to do it and what will help and when and some of them I’ve used and some of them I haven’t; but all inner workings, all personal development is just that, it’s personal. Only you can perceive the workings of your own mind from the inside out. People offer you perspectives, reflections, opinions but generally you move when your ready, grow when your ready, flow when your ready.
I’ve not been happy for a long time. I haven’t been depressed or down or anything like that but happiness? Not so much. The closest I would get to it is on stage at a gig or writing a new song or playing a song for the first time. These things have been few and far between and yet I’ve not allowed any other gigs or things to take place. I have manifested, created a huge tonne of things to stop me from doing the things that make me happy. Yet right now, happiness is on the cards, finding my joy is here and I’m watching my subconscious using everything it has to keep me in fear. Fear of love, fear of success. Fear of happiness. Parts of me are fighting for survival, but I offer them nothing but love and nothing but transcendence. I finally understand the difference between KNOWING what makes you happy and being an active participant within it.
I’ve watched my life change recently. I’ve learned to just not dwell on the negative and the shifts in my life have been amazing. I’ve met new people, new kindred spirits and gotten some new perspectives on life as a whole. I cant even say I’m moving towards what I want because it’s already here in a way. My polarities are shifting, my emotional scale is rebalancing, I am becoming lighter, free and yes happy. Yet I see myself using every old trick in the book to keep myself involved in that old negative self loathing vibration.
Earlier this evening I caught myself looking into the mirror thinking about how “ugly” I was. Thinking about how “unloved I feel”. It literally only lasted a moment. It almost felt like an old self had crept in for a surprise visit. I actually laughed when I recognised the thought. I could never be ugly, all of existence is contained within our spirits and we are made out of a substance that feels like falling in love and I KNOW that to be true. We may not all feel it, but there it is. My body is different yes, but ugly? Nope, not a chance. I’ve manifested weird emails, strange conversations, strange meetings based around pretty much all the issues of my past that have usually sent me running for home where I draw the curtains and hide away. But not any more. I realise these things are happening because I am changing. Because I am recognising them I see their impermanence. I see my life loving back towards a place I used to love. Back to LIFE. Back to actively participating in joy. Back to Happiness.
Much Love
xx
There is another school of thought. You should read Barbara Ehrenreich's very good book Bright-Sided. However, I am glad you are feeling better. :)
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